


The Tiny Adventures of Caption Figure (Bucky Sold Separately)

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-26 15:03:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2656379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki hits Steve with a spell that shrinks him to the size of an action figure.  Tony is amused. Bucky is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Bucky takes inspiration from Ratatouille

                “Steve? What the fuck? Steve is that you?” Bucky looked at the tiny Captain standing in the space Steve was just occupying. They had been battling Loki (again), this time in the middle of Central Park. A particularly strong hit from Thor’s hammer, combined with a solid series of punches from the Hulk, eventually sent Loki retreating. However, as he re-entered the portal he'd emerged from, Loki hurled a spell over his shoulder that careened squarely into Steve’s chest. Which is why Bucky was now looking at an action figure size version of his previously enormous boyfriend.

                “Bucky?” Steve replied in a tinny, yet somehow simultaneously deep voice. “What happened?” Tony arrived at the scene just in time to hear Steve’s inquiry.

                “Well Cap-ulet, seems like you’ll be revisiting your pre-serum days. Loki zapped you with a spell – shrinking, apparently – and now you're fun sized. Except for Bromeo over here,” Tony turned to Bucky with a shit- eating grin, “I’m guessing his favorite parts aren’t so fun anymore.”

                “Shut up!” Bucky and Steve growled in unison.

                “We’ll figure it out, there must be a way to undo it.” Bucky tried to reassure Steve, who was, unsurprisingly, looking increasingly distraught.

                “On the bright side,” Tony continued, unperturbed by the glare the Winter Solider directed at him, “at least your suit shrunk with you.” Bucky continued to scowl at Tony while Steve began muttering under his breath.

                “How am I supposed to fight like this? I’m not even a foot tall! Bucky…” Steve called up to his friend. “Bucky!”

                “What is is?”

                “We need to find Thor, maybe he knows how to undo this. He’s the most familiar with Loki’s spells.” Steve began walking away, presumably to hunt down Thor.

                “Stevie…” Bucky called after him, “I think you’re gonna have to let me carry you. You’re not going to get anywhere fast like that.”

                “I can walk by myself, Bucky. I’m shrunk, not injured.”

                “Well in that case,” Tony began, his mask locking over his face as his suit powered up, “catch you later Caption Figure!” Steve rolled his eyes as Ironman took off.

                “Let’s go, Buck. Thor’s probably already back at the Tower.” Bucky remained stationary, rolling his eyes as Steve began walking away. Steve made it about three yards before he suddenly froze.   Bucky scanned the area quickly for threats, but didn’t detect anything out of place. Unfortunately, he didn’t see the cat until it pounced.

                Bucky heard a muffled “Dammit!” from Steve, who was currently pinned underneath the thin stray tabby that apparently viewed Steve as a toy. Steve wrestled his foot from the cat’s mouth and picked himself up before attempting to charge the cat. That was the moment that finally broke Bucky. The image of a six inch Captain America trying to shoo a completely unfazed cat was his undoing. He doubled over in laughter, struggling to keep his eyes open to watch the cat playfully bat at his friend.

                “C’mon Stevie,” Bucky began after he managed to get control of himself. He leaned down and offered his hand to Steve. With a resigned sigh, Steve climbed on.

                “This better not last long.” Bucky smiled as he stood back up, while Steve continued to mutter about “that damn cat…”

                Bucky quickly realized that he had nowhere to put Steve. All his pockets were full of weapons (and he very much doubted Steve would want to ride in his pocket anyway), and he wanted to keep his hands free in case any of Loki’s minions were still lurking. Only one thing to do. With a smirk, Bucky lifted Steve over his head and deposited him straight into the messy bun his hair was pulled into.

                “Bucky!” came Steve’s indignant squawk.

                “Shut up, punk. Natasha showed me Ratatouille last week. Trust me, this is effective.” Steve huffed a resigned sigh before planting himself more firmly in Bucky’s hair.

                “Fucking fine. Let’s just go.” Bucky figure Steve wasn’t too upset when, a few minutes later, he felt Steve’s tiny hands grip some loose strands that had escaped from the elastic.

**********

                “I’m sorry my friends, but there is no way to undo this spell. I have seen Loki use it before,” Thor began.

                “He’s stuck like this!?” Bucky cried, standing up suddenly from his chair in the common room of the Tower. Steve lost his grip on Bucky’s hair and swayed dangerously.

                “No, he won’t remain in this miniaturized form forever, the spell will run its course and he will return to his proper size. However, there is nothing we can do to hasten the process.” Bucky sat back down. “I’m sorry, my friends. I wish I could be of more help.” Tony chose this time to pipe up.

                “Well Retail Price 29.99, looks like you and Bucky-Sold-Separately will just have to get creative in the meantime. They’ve come a long way with artificial…” Whatever Tony was going to say was quickly aborted by Pepper’s “That’s _enough_ Tony,” before she dragged him from the room.

Natasha had remained unreadable for the entire exchange. She offered a simple “This should be interesting,” before leaving to parts unknown, followed closely by Clint. Bucky looked to Bruce and Thor on the opposite side of the room.

                “He’s fine though, right? After this wears off…?”

                “The spell should not linger longer than a week.” Thor assured him.

                “And Steve is perfectly healthy,” Bruce added, “just miniature.”

                “See Buck? I told you I was fine.” Steve added from his place in Bucky’s hair.

                “What about this is fine, Stevie?” Bucky huffed.

                “Well,” Steve began, “Whatever happened will only last a week, and the only major risk to my health is falling from up here. So long as there are no major catastrophes to deal with, there’s nothing to worry about.

                “Is that supposed to make me okay with this?”

                “C’mon Buck, I’m trying to make the best of this.” Steve tugged on Bucky’s hair. “Onward, my trusty steed. I want to go to the kitchen.” Bucky sighed. This was going to be a long week.


	2. In which Steve is a troll and Instagram crashes.

                Bucky was about to lose his mind. He though full sized Steve was a little shit. Tiny Steve was a hundred times worse. Because now, you see, he could launch sneak attacks with much greater efficiency. It had always been nearly impossible for Steve to sneak up on Bucky, but now that Steve was all tiny-fied, not even Bucky’s Winter Soldier skills were enough to save him.

                “Bucky!”

                “God _damn_ it Steve! How did you even get up there!?” Bucky demanded, plucking Steve from out of the cereal cabinet. Bucky huffed as Steve laughed.

                “Oh God, you should have seen your face! I forgot how fun it was to sneak up on you!”

                “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Rogers. Your fun lasts a week. I’ll get to scare you for the rest of your life.” Bucky threatened. “You may be small enough to pull this off now, but I’m the assassin. I was _trained_ to be stealthy.”

                “Stealth my ass,” Steve laughed, “I saw you trip over your own shoes trying to get into bed last week.”

                “That was a totally different situation!” Bucky protested.

                “Whatever, Buck.”

 

********

                “Surprise, jerk.”

                “Fuck! Steve, you’ve gotta stop that,” Bucky growled. “I don’t know _how_ in the _fuck_ you got into _our fridge_ but this shit has got to _end!”_    Steve stood up, standing only slightly taller than the carton of milk.

                “Oh no, this is far too entertaining,” Steve replied, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face.

 

*******

                Now, the general public, up to this point, was not aware of what had happened to Captain America. That changed, however, as soon as Natasha posted what Bucky now calls “The Vine.” It featured him, stomping grudgingly through the common room of the Avengers tower, muttering under his breath as Steve sat perched in his hair, holding two strands of hair like reins.

                You could barely make out Steve saying “C’mon soldier, pick it up,” as he tugged slightly at Bucky’s hair. She hashtagged it #cowboyamerica #thewinterpony.

                In unrelated news, the Avengers now get 20% at a few choice horse accessory stores. Clint was particularly happy about that.

 

********

                Then next vine, however, was posted to Bucky’s Instagram account, and it almost twice as popular as the first vine.

                “Bucky! Oh my God, _Bucky!_ Do something!” Steve yelled as he ran across the kitchen, followed closely by Clint’s latest stray dog.

                “Lucky, sit,” you could hear Bucky call half-heartedly from behind the camera. The video cut off halfway through Bucky calling, “Sorry, he’s not listening.” He hastagged it #captainchewtoy. Instagram crashed roughly ten minutes later.

 

********

                Pepper posted the third vine. It was surprisingly sweet and just as popular as Bucky’s post (much to Natasha’s dismay, though she would deny it upon pain of death).

                It showed Bucky from the back, standing at the kitchen counter. Steve was perched on his shoulder, one hand gripping Bucky’s hair as he leaned forward. The video started halfway through Steve saying, “It’ll be back to normal soon, the spell’s almost worn off.”

                “I know, I’m just ready to have you back,” Bucky responded, his voice low. He paused whatever he was working on, leaning his head against Steve. “Haven’t kissed you in almost six days,” he whispered. The video cut off before Steve could respond. The comments were filled with guesses at to what Steve said in response, though. Tumblr took particular interest in coming up with what happened next. Pepper was surprised when some of the tags were surprisingly accurate.

 

********

                Natasha posed the last vine. She somehow managed to capture the exact moment the spell wore off. There were just a few frames of Steve perched on the arm of the sofa, next to where Bucky was lounging, watching a movie. It took about a second for Steve to return to his super soldier size, and Bucky let out a startled yelp as his eyes grew comically large. Steve was still frozen in shock, but Bucky composed himself quickly. The vine ended just as Bucky shouted “Payback time!” as he launched himself at Steve, hurling them both over the edge of the sofa.

                The video ended with Steve’s muffled grunt as he hit the hardwood floor. Bucky added the hashtag #finally #sweetrevenge.

                It was the most popular vine by far, it even beat Pepper’s. Natasha grinned as she watched the loop count rise steadily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is the product of my sister and I going to Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning and buying a Cap action figure. Come hang out at thescottishwrite.tumlr.com if you'd like to cry over Stucky and the rest of the Avengers with me.


End file.
